Uni Trouble

(Apologies for the non-hobby post)

Over the past week, I've been having serious trouble trying to get myself hyped for returning back to uni for the third term. Looking back at how stressed I got at the end of last term and the health issues that that pressed on, as well as the fact that I am becoming stressed and tight-chested each time I think about returning. I have 5 images to complete before I return, which is acceptable amount, and I feel inspired with what to work around and such, but each time I pick up the materials .. ughh, the stress just sets in. I think I may end up hating drawing because of this course and I really could not deal with that happening. I love art. I live art. I'm really upset.

At the start of the year, I was dreading moving to the city, but not dreading working on the course. I am not a city-girl, at all. Too many people, too much noise, too much light, just too much everything. And yet, the tables have turned. Yes, there is still too much everything, but I don't hate the city as I thought I would. I love being so close to the museums and galleries, all the events, living with people that I'm in tune with. It's really quite wonderful if I block out the bits I hate. And now it's the course I can't being myself to enjoy. I'm not even sure why I'm really doing it. I like drawing, and fashion, and education, and working to briefs. But I can't see myself working as a fashion illustrator, I don't have the people skills, or the advertising, or the motivation, or the characteristic style you need as a freelance illustrator. You don't look at my work and immediately know it's mine. I don't have a preferred medium, or style or anything, so I'll never be recognizably known.

I've been putting some thought into leaving. I almost didn't return after christmas, but I swallowed it down and 'got over it'. What will I do if I leave? Certainly work with horses, maybe a live-in job on a competition yard, or so I hope. Apply for tattoo-apprenticeships. Work on finishing one of my sculptures by summer. And draw without pressure.

(2 year old Polish-bred Arabians shot at Silverdale, summer '13)